Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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