Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize