The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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