masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
