and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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