i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
