fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
