paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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