well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
