Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
