my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
