the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
