But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
