Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
