That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My ass is underappreciated
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
