Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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