Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
