I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
