Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
