The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
