Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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