Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
