Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize