Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
