i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
