god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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