I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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