woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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