Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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