My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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