Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
