Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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