smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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