you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
