Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize