There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
