I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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