thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
