i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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