I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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