Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
