My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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