i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
