I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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