this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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