She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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