hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
