I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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