You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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