i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
