i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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