You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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