She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
