why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
