Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
