I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
