The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
